I've managed to get on top of my insomnia lately - until last night. After a dream involving needing to find a power adaptor for my step mum, I woke up and my brain started going through everything I need to get done. That was at 1.30am.
I tried pretty much everything - meditation, reading, listening to white noise...I eventually fell asleep at 5am. My alarm went off at 6am. A dog walk, a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee later and I was out on the school run. Just need to last until Friday and no more school runs until next year! I spent some time organising the diary for the remainder of 2016, which made me realise just how close the end of the year is! I also got some of the things done that had been going around in my mind overnight. Not such a "sleepy life" last night. D had the opposite - I heard him go to bed at 4am and his alarm went off at 9am.
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I think I have a healthy relationship with coffee.
I didn't even start drinking it until I was 33 - and that was only decaf after the birth of my youngest. Now I drink it every morning. Dog walk first, then coffee. On weekdays, just one (admittedly large) mug of it... Then the school run, then maybe another one ... or two ... ! I find it difficult to buy big enough mugs if I'm honest (I've somehow managed to make the mug look tiny in the photo and it's really not!). Then there's the cafetieres - small and large. And the coffee machine. And the Starbucks Via for emergencies. Probably it's a prop. Probably I should drink water instead. So this morning I accidentally put an extra sweetner in and it's not really that nice. As I write this it's still dark outside. I can see the car lights through the trees on the A road nearby. People hurrying to work, and soon I won't "stuck in traffic" I will be part of the traffic. The past 2 days the school run has taken well over an hour due to a burst water main (must check to see if that's been repaired yet)... It's been a while since I had insomnia, but last night I did.
I was awake from about 1am until 4am. I'm not sure what woke me up, but my racing mind kept me awake. For some reason I couldn't stop my mind from running...thoughts...thoughts...worry...anxiety...it won't matter in the morning...I know...I need to do all those things...I know...worry...thoughts...anxiety. I slept in this morning, but of course it wasn't really a lie in because I'd missed 3 hours in the night. Still, I managed a 2 mile walk in the frost. The sun was shining and I still saw part of the sunrise. Tonight I will sleep (well, I'd better - my alarm is set for 5.45am!) At this time of year, I walk the dog in the dark every morning. My alarm is set for 6, sometimes snooze gets hit, but only once.
Often I wish for another 10, 20, 30 minutes (who doesn't). In my former life (OK, only a few months ago), I'd get up and exercise but now I have the school run to do at 7.45, so if I want a coffee before that, something has had to give! There were a few mornings last week when it was very cold (-5 at its lowest) and I crunched around the fields in the dark. From the fields I can hear the motorway, but I don't even notice it unless I actually think about the sounds around me. At this time of year, it's too early for the dawn chorus and the only other sounds are the dog's tags clinking together, my own breathing and my feet in the frost. When it's that cold, there are no clouds and so I can see some stars. Stargazing grounds me. If I let my mind wander, I think over thoughts that I need to let go. Watching the stars makes me feel small and yet significant at the same time. I am here now. I love the biting cold the same way that I love driving rain - I'm cocooned in my clothes, safe and warm. This is the illusion I create for myself until I get home and back to the reality of another day. A few weeks ago I was in a bad place.
Very bad, actually. I was living a lot in the past and a lot in the future and not a great deal in the present. Then a friend (and I don't have many people I call that) suggested mindfulness and meditation to me. Now I'm not really the "hippy" type (although, yes, I do home educate) - but I was so desperate I actually looked into it. What I found to help myself out of the midnight panics, insomnia and all-round axiety I was suffering was to focus on "now". I will always be influenced by my past. And I will always (I imagine) need to think about the future to a certain degree (who doesn't). But sometimes, when I'm walking the dog or lying in bed awake at 3am or going for a run or doing weights at the gym or feeding the cats - it's good to just focus on "now" - sights, sounds, smells, or just being grateful for what I have. |
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May 2018
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